I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
how does that bad decision feel?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
