I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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