Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
