I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize