my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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