You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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