She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
