I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
