omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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