I think i peed on brittanys purse
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
