she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
