Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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