mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
