i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
