This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
