he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
