Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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