Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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