im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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