3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It's never too late to be topless.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
