i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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