My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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