I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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