You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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