Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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