Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
