im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
