I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
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I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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