Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
