are you so shy because you have an std?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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