you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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