if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
