Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
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I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
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So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it