i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.