The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
