Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.