When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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