just come out here and I will go home with you...
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
