I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
