He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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