allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
