Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
