So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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