When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
It's never too late to be topless.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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