my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
what day is it and did you see me today?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
