I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
