i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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