All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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