just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
