6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize