i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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