please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
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He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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