last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today