she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We have started to decorate penises.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest