i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
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Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
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Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.