I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
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He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
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I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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