the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I checked into jail on foursquare
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
