i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
