i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
