I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
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Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
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I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
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