It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
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Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
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Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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