this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
