Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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