At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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