my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Well I just put wine in my tea
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
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